The Pro Bowl is happening this weekend, and I’ve got unfortunate news. The Pro Bowl, once a timeless classic and one of the most anticipated events on the sports calendar, has gotten a little stale. It’s not as popular as it was in its glory days and football fans are just looking for something a little more exciting.
Lucky for the NFL, I’m here to help. I’ve done some thinking about ways in which the NFL can drastically improve the Pro Bowl, things that will make it fresher and more exciting than it’s been in decades. I don’t know if Roger Goodell is reading this (he probably is, he’s a huge fan from what I hear), but he should take heed to these wise words and suggestions I have to fix this once great game.
So here are 12 things the NFL can do to fix the Pro Bowl!
1) Nothing ruins the Pro Bowl like players half assing their way down the field, not giving 100% for their adoring fans that paid hard earned money to go see them. I have a solution: bomb collars. Specifically, bomb collars set to explode if the wearer ever dips below 20
miles per hour. If they could bring out Dennis Hopper to play his character from Speed
to appear on the Jumbotron and taunt players throughout the game, that would be even better. Lord knows he could use the work, I haven’t seen him in anything lately.
2) Real estate agents love to say, “Location, location, location.” Apparently nobody told Roger Goodell. Just look at the past couple places the Pro Bowl has been. Hawaii? Booooring. Orlando? Yawn. Let’s spice it up a bit. Let’s go somewhere exotic, like Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Nothing will draw the crowds and excitement like Amish people and horse poop!
3) Now that we have the city down, let’s talk about the field. You know how in the Mario
soccer games, the fields would have hazards that players would have to avoid, like a storm
that would lift some of your players off the field and into a whirlwind for a minute or two?
How has this idea not been implemented in real sports yet? Imagine the thrill of seeing
Antonio Brown leaping up for a catch only to be snatched in the jaws of a hungry alligator or to see Ezekiel Elliot plunge into a chasm from a well timed earthquake.
4) You know why the NFL has a sketchy steroid policy, especially when compared to baseball? Because not having steroids is boring. Who wants to watch a bunch of saggy, slow and depressed athletes when you can have chiseled, muscular specimens playing at peak performance because of a little bit of chemical enhancement? So for the Pro Bowl, I say let them have at it. For Pro Bowl weekend, the NFL is Hamsterdam from season 3 of The Wire. All steroids are fair game and you can take as many you want to prepare for the big game. I want to see some Altered Beast looking motherfuckers step out onto that field.
5) Everyone knows what makes the Super Bowl so great and memorable is the halftime
performance. Nobody would even bother tuning in if they didn’t have the chance to see
dancing sharks or Janet Jackson’s boobie. As far as I can remember, the Pro Bowl has no
such unforgettable performances. We need to end this.
Let’s get some of the hippest acts to come and bring some flair to this dull event. I’m thinking hot musical groups like the Baja Men or that one Carter brother or this one Rolling Stones tribute band I saw once.
6) Love it or hate it, social media is a powerful tool and can greatly influence things. Historians will look back and declare that Donald Trump’s twitter was the main catalyst for World Wars III, IV, and V. But don’t let the looming threat of nuclear holocaust steer you wrong. Social media CAN be used for good and this Pro Bowl can prove it. How? No coaches, only Twitter. Fans will tweet the plays they want to see run; whichever gets the most retweets wins. Run the kicker up the gut on 4th and 28? The people have spoken!
7) Footballs are so 1948. Let’s revolutionize the game by replacing that hunk of leather with a beehive. Hope you’re not allergic, fellas!
8) Nothing grinds my gears like a player who is too afraid to take a little old hit to the ribs,
head and spine from a 275 pound man monster, and instead dances out of bounds to safety. I have a solution. Douse the sidelines in kerosene and light that bitch on fire. Let’s see how quickly our wide receiver friend will hop out of bounds when he has to pass through a wall of flame to do so.
9) Instead of helmets, everybody must wear foam cowboy hats. Extra points to players that
walk around bow legged, saying things like, “Let’s talk turkey” and “That dog ain’t gonna
10) Two words: rocket boots.
11) Referees are replaced by Siberian tigers. They have the same color scheme, and they’d likely make the same amount of correct calls, amiright or amiright?
12) Have the Patriots and the Falcons play the game instead, and call it the Super Bowl.