I should probably give up sports. For one, I’m not very good at them. When the only sport you could possibly consider yourself good at is Ultimate frisbee, chances are you aren’t much of an athlete.
As if not being good at sports wasn’t enough, I’m also terrible at being a fan. My favorite football team the 49ers, a team I love more than my future children, needs no introduction on how slapdick and awful they were this year. The coaching staff recently voted for who they thought was team MVP, and they chose the kicker. THE KICKER.
I am a Miami Marlins fan, which is the sport fan equivalent of being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
My Anaheim Ducks, who made it to the Western Conference Finals last year, were supposed to be the lone bright spot of my sports fandom this year and hahahahaha have you seen how many goals they’ve scored this year?
I consider myself an Everton fan, but I am an American. This means trying to navigate the Internet, trying to find good sites that show Premier League standings and scores is like an Ancient Roman trying to go to Best Buy to find the best deal on a 4K TV.
The only team I legitimately follow who are any good this year is the Miami Heat and who gives a shit, that’s basketball.
And yet, as bad as I am at sports and as REALLY bad as I am at being a fan, I’m even worse at predicting sports.
For a handful of years, I’ve gloated and boasted behind a false sense of bravado about how incredible I am at knowing sports inside and out and about how my predictions should be taken as gospel. Finally, I had to admit something. Like many things in this life that doesn’t include a video game controller, I am dogshit at it.
So take everyone of these predictions with a grain of salt. The exact opposite of every word I write will likely happen the exact moment I have finished typing it. Not including that statement. Because if everything were opposite, that sentence would be rendered untrue, and I…you know what, I better just get to the predicting.
Wild Card Round
Chiefs at Texans
Somewhere, there is a grad student pouring over his fifty page thesis on the socio-economic commentary of Charles Dickens’ ‘A Tale of Two Cities’ and how it has impacted the modern world. And that person is currently having more fun than anyone who watches this game will. Jeez, what a snoozefest.
Seahawks at Vikings
This game is going to occur on a day with a temperature of 0, so that’s pretty balmy for Minnesota. They will be more used to the sweltering temperatures than the Seahawks, who play in a city that, thanks to the rain, deals with more water than Bioshock’s Rapture.
Steelers at Bengals
Poor Steelers. They could have had an easy playoff game going against, Andy Dalton but now they get the fearsome A.J. McCarron who has as many playoff wins on his resume as Dalton despite having only started a handful of games in his career.
That being said, Steelers will win because Antonio Brown.
Aaron Rodgers at Redskins
Every year I make a joke about how a certain team is only good because of their quarterback and, instead of referring to this team by their actual name, I call them by that quarterback’s name. I do this because it is hilarious and I am a hilarious person. However, in the case of this year’s Packers, it is 100% true. Aaron Rodgers is the only reason this team hasn’t been accidentally sent to a morgue by the Green Bay coroners.
Aaron Rodgers could come into the Washington stadium, pull down his pants and pick a roster of players by wagging his dick around at the spectators at random and still field a better team than this Green Bay roster.
And yes, I’m going to pick the Packers because I can’t type the sentence “The Redskins are going to win a playoff game” without my hands disconnecting from my arms, walking over to the phonebook and pointing out the number for the nearest psychiatrist.
Aaron Rodgers: 21
Chiefs at Tom Brady
Hahahaha. See how I did that quarterback as the team name thing again with Tom Brady? Classic me!
Tom Brady: 30
Aaron Rodgers at Panthers
Unfortunately, the NFL doesn’t have a “Most Boring Team to Ever Reach 15-1” award at the yearly awards ceremony, because the Panthers would have dominated that category. Of course, I doubt they give a shit. They’re probably perfectly content being the 1 seed in the NFC, with one of the league’s best defenses, if it means being insulted by an awkward, geeky white guy from Pennsylvania who is calling them “boring.”
But seriously, they’re boring. SO boring. They’ll actually bore Aaron Rodgers to death and that’s how they’ll win the game.
Aaron Rodgers: 0, because he died of boredom.
Steelers at Broncos
Peyton Manning is like that old family member with Alzheimer’s that everyone secretly can’t wait to put in a home. He’s an aging, broken, shell of his former self and the Broncos are probably desperately hoping he retires at the end of the year.
Even against the Steelers defense, which is as easy to break through as Swiss cheese made of more Swiss cheese, I doubt Manning will be able to muster up enough offense to win this game. Manning will lose another playoff game, to the surprise of literally no one, even Manning’s family.
Vikings at Cardinals
Whenever I write a football blog post, and when I get to the part where I talk about the Cardinals, I make an old person joke about Carson Palmer and call it a day. If you think I am a good and ambitious enough writer to come up with something new, you are sorely mistaken.
The Cardinals will win this game easily, provided that Carson Palmer doesn’t lose his dentures on the sideline, or get tangled up in his suspenders.
Steelers at Tom Brady
I am sure that on some stormy mountaintop, Bill Belichik is sacrificing orphans to Cxaxukluth in order to please The Old Ones so that the Patriots can win the Super Bowl, but his efforts will be for naught. The Steelers offense is arguably the best in the playoffs this year, and no amount of dark, ancient magic will stop them from scoring more points than Tom Brady. Only deflated footballs will.
Tom Brady: 31
Cardinals at Panthers
I hesitate to pick the Cardinals here. Not because I don’t think they can beat the Panthers, I actually think they’re going to. But because between this post, and all the other football blog posts I’ve written, I’m starting to run out of old person jokes to say about Carson Palmer and I don’t know if I can keep it going until the Super Bowl prediction.
Whatever, I’m going to wing it.
Steelers vs. Cardinals
This is going to be a rematch of the 2008 Super Bowl. The only difference is, instead of starting an old person at the tail end of his career at quarterback, the Cardinals will be starting an old person at the tail end of his career at quarterback. Oh wait…
(Also: Ha! Still got it!)
For a perfectly serious prediction, I think the Steelers have the better offense in this game but the Cardinals’ offense is not much worse AND they have a defense that isn’t completely comprised of robots whose defensive programming is: “Stand perfectly still” and “Whatever you do, DON’T TACKLE”
I like the Cardinals to get revenge from the 2008 game and become Super Bowl Champions for the first time. And let the old person jokes continue!
So if my previous track record is anything to go by, put your bets down on a Redskins vs. Texans Super Bowl, everyone!