It’s that time of year again, kiddies. August has ended and September is upon us. This change of the months and seasons brings about lots of new, exciting Autumnal things. Kids go from sitting on their asses in front of the TV to sitting on their asses in school, every white girl within a five mile radius of a Starbucks is sucking down a pumpkin spice latte like they’re an aardvark with an ant farm, and Jared from Subway bemoans the fact that the Little League World Series is over.
But it also brings something else. With the changing of colors and the blooming of pumpkins (is blooming the correct word? What hell does a pumpkin even do? Gotta check Wikipedia.), the NFL season kicks off! And with the NFL season kicking off, you know that means I HAVE to make some sort of blog post making predictions and discussing the forthcoming season! No, literally. I HAVE to do this. I made a deal with Satan and if I don’t do this he’ll force me to watch Reba reruns with Paulie Shore for a couple of centuries.
On the plus side of this little deal I made with the devil, he gave me the gift of incredible foresight when it comes to the NFL and its teams. I probably should have chosen something more useful to life, like super strength or the ability to find a job with an English degree (not sure if any amount of black magic can help that, though), but it does mean that I am absolutely AMAZING at predicting how the NFL season will play out!
So that’s why every year, I put out an NFL preview blog post, telling all of you mere mortals without the gift of Satan provided prognostication skills, just what is going to happen this season. The format often changes. This season, I’m going to do a team by team format where I provide one foolproof prediction on something that will happen to them during the season.
Now, there’s 32 teams in the league so by my math that means at least 32 predictions. Let’s get started!
Also, pumpkins grow, they don’t bloom. Idiots.
A new addition to AT&T stadium will be made when Jerry Jones erects a 100 foot tall statue of himself at midfield. The statue will shoot fireworks out of its dick whenever the Cowboys get a touchdown, a first down, complete a pass, or take the field.
Chip Kelly will continue to make headlines by releasing and trading away his African American players. He will defend himself and say that he isn’t racist, but that the players simply don’t fit his ‘All White Players’ system.
Owner Daniel Snyder will finally give into demands to change the racially insensitive Redskins name to a much more appropriate, politically correct name. The new team name will be the Washington Savage Red Injun People.
Halfway through the season, quarterback Eli Manning will demand a trade not because the team is doing bad or anything, but because he is angry that a teammate stole his Dunkaroos from his locker without even asking.
After fielding one of the worst defenses in the league last year, New Orleans will turn to one of their old defensive schemes which was built around a stout run defense, a physical secondary and paying players to injure the other team.
The Falcons will finally bring some balance to their pass happy offense, handing the ball off to their improved running back unti, which includes…uh…um…who are the Falcons’ running backs? (checks Google) Okay, it’s apparently…uh…(checks Google again) Tevin Coleman and Devonta Freeman. Uh. Who?
Cam Newton will finally live up to the prestigious name of other former Hesiman winners by playing terribly and being released by season’s end.
Jameis Winston will have a sensational season, leading all rookies in passing touchdowns, passing yards, and sexual assault allegations.
The 12th Man will end up being the Seahawks’ undoing when their cheers quake down literally to the ocean floor, awaking a slumbering Godzilla who will then proceed to destroy Seattle. Since it is Seattle, nobody else in the country will give a shit.
New head coach Jim Tomsula will tell 49ers owner Jed York that he thinks mustard is the best hot dog condiment not knowing that York firmly believes relish is the best condiment. Tomsula will be fired by Week 3.
The rumors that the Rams are moving from St. Louis to Los Angeles will be strengthened when everybody on the roster starts wearing spray on tans, drinking kale protein shakes, and dating Kim Kardashian.
The Cardinals have a decent shot at being good this year, assuming the league allows their 93 year old QB to bring his walker and personal nurse out on the field. Palmer will also miss some practice time to film a commercial wherein he replaces the “HELP, I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP” lady.
The Bears will surprise everyone by having a better than average season, but it will be mired in scandal when it’s revealed most of their players don’t actually live in the proper Chicago area.
In an effort to finally reach their Super Bowl, Detroit will turn to a local hero, Robocop, and sign him to a 4 year deal. But because this is the Detroit Lions franchise, Robocop will suffer a season ending injury and the team will finish 4-12.
Despite losing Jordy Nelson for the year, Randall Cobb playing nicked up with a shoulder injury, Aaron Rodgers will prove once again he is the best QB in the league by putting together a 5,000 passing yard season with a wide receiving corps that includes no names such as Davante Adams, Ty Montgomery, Carrot Top, and a balloon with a smiley face drawn on it.
Adrian Peterson will return to the Minnesota Vikings after being out of football all last year. After three games, he will see how bad the team still is and will promptly find another child to beat so that he can earn another year long suspension.
Geno Smith will valiantly return from his broken jaw at the halfway point in the season, just in time to lose his job due to poor play.
As revenge for the (now lifted) 4 game suspension on Tom Brady, Bill Belichick will summon The Old One named Yog-Sothoth to devour the Pittsburgh Steelers and win the season opener for them. This will result in the scandal known as LovecraftGate.
The Dolphins will be proud to roll out their big free agent signing, Ndamukong Suh. Suh will live up to expectations by filling the gaping hole in personal foul penalties and game ejections that the Dolphins had on the stat sheet last year.
The QB controversy will end when E.J. Manuel is picked to start over Tyrod Taylor . When asked why he made the decision, head coach Rex Ryan will explain it’s because Manuel has “better feet.”
The Texans season will derail when their young star Jadeveon Clowney misses significant time again due to a broken ankle he sustains while pouring himself a bowl of Frosted Flakes.
The very fabric of the NFL will be shaken when the Colts pull the trigger on a stunning trade right before the trading deadline. They will trade Andrew Luck’s neck beard to the Chiefs and in return will get Andy Reid’s moustache and every wide receiver on the Kansas City roster not named Jeremy Maclin.
Rumors that the Jaguars are moving to London will persist, and the British city will even come close to closing a deal until they refuse when they realize the Jacksonville Jaguars are, in fact, the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Let’s take a break so I can discuss something. I consider myself a pretty big football fan. I’m one of those freaks who watches preseason football reruns. Every Sunday I watch football from 1:00 to whenever the Sunday night game ends. I own two fantasy teams, one of which is in a league I myself run. Football is by far my favorite sport and is one of the reasons why Fall is my favorite season.
Yet I could not remember the Titans were a football team. As I drafted this blog post, writing each team in a notebook and trying to write a little blurb about each, I realized I had only 31 teams. There was a blank line in the AFC South section where the 32nd team should have been. It took me a good five minutes to finally remember that last team was indeed the Tennessee Titans.
Oh, and to keep piling it on, I checked out my last year installment of this NFL preview so that I wouldn’t accidentally steal material and guess what? In the Titans section, I said the SAME exact thing. That I had forgotten who the fuck the Titans even were.
So to make a long story short, the Titans are completely fucking irrelevant and always will be.
Andy Reid will become a revolutionary in the coaching world when he becomes the first head coach to start ordering take out on the sideline, while also instituting a BYOG (bring your own grill) policy for cookouts in between drives.
Peyton Manning will have another outstanding season, playing well enough to clinch his team yet another first round loss in the playoffs
The Chargers gave Philip Rivers a juicy extension on his contract, meaning Rivers will be able to procreate at least eight more kids in the city of San Diego.
Making fun of the Raiders is like making fun of a child with special needs, so I will refrain from making a joke about them.
Andy Dalton will silence his critics who say that he can’t win in the playoffs by simply not making the playoffs this year.
Cleveland will play above everybody’s expectations and make it to the Super Bowl, only to get destroyed by Stephen Curry and the Golden State Warriors.
With Ray Lewis retired and Ray Rice officially off the roster, this will mark the first time in years the Ravens haven’t started the season with an alleged criminal on their roster.
Ben Roethlisberger will get injured at some point in the season and will go out onto the field despite the doctors telling him he can’t. It won’t be the first time Roethlisberger has forced himself into a situation without proper consent.
So there you have it. Predictions for all 32 teams in the league! I’m sure I missed a few things, like domestic abuse cases, a couple of D.U.I.s, a few former players killing themselves out because of the horrific effects of brain injuries but come on. EVERYBODY knows that shit’s going to happen.
Now that we’re on a nice, lighthearted note, it’ll be best to end the blog post here. Happy new football season, everybody!