This is it, friends. This is what sports is all about. No, not domestic violence issues, cheating scandals or controversial blown calls by referees. Not any of that…it’s the SUPER BOWL. THAT’S what sports is all about. The most elusive and sought after prize in professional sports is the Lombardi trophy, and this Sunday we’re going to finally see who wins it. To prepare yourself for the game, I came up with 30 quick facts that you should know before heading into it. Who knows…your life may depend on it!*
*Your life will almost certainly not depend on it.
1) This year’s Super Bowl will take place in Arizona. The last time this city hosted a playoff game, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was in theatres.
2) This game will be a contest between the two most evil teams in the league.
3) If this Super Bowl does well with the Nielsen ratings, major TV networks such as Fox, CBS, NBC and ESPN may consider televising NFL games regularly.
4) With Tom Brady, Richard Sherman, Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch set to play in this game, this Super Bowl will set the record for most douchebags to play in a Super Bowl.
5) Bill Belichick and Pete Carroll are not only coaching against each other to win the Lombardi trophy, but also to see who is the more insufferable asshole.
6) With Seahawks fans and Patriots fans likely to show up at the game, this Super Bowl could break the record for most douchebag fans in one place.
7) NFL experts and analysts project that at least four players will hide concussion symptoms to continue playing in the game.
8) NFL experts and analysts also project that there will be lots of tackling in this game, and possibly even a kickoff.
9) Vegas is currently opening bets on how long it takes before the Patriots get caught cheating in some form.
10) Vegas is also currently opening bets on how long it takes before the Seattle players need to take their next dose of Adderall.
11) I wasn’t joking earlier about this being between the two most evil teams in the league, I hope this game burns in hell.
12) The presence of Cris Collinsworth in the commentating booth is expected to lead to the biggest simultaneous use of the mute button in America since Fran Drescher first laughed on The Nanny.
13) Katy Perry performing in this year’s Super Bowl will lead to a huge number of old, white men grumbling about how music is dead while they awkwardly try to hide their boners.
14) Using an advanced mathematics algorithm, statisticians have concluded that whoever scores the most points in this game has a 90% chance of winning, which provides a huge advantage.
15) The base price of getting a 30 second ad during the Super Bowl is $4.5 million dollars. This means that instead of commercials being just a waste of time, they are a very expensive waste of time.
16) At some point in the 3rd quarter, some movie company will already buy the film rights to this game and begin making a movie about it. Early casting rumors include Ryan Gosling for Tom Brady, Vladimir Putin as Bill Belichick, Whoopie Goldberg as Richard Sherman, and a large boa constrictor as Pete Carroll.
17) During the game, at least 80% of Americans will claim, “I shouldn’t have eaten that, why did I do that, I was full enough already, uggh” before loosening their belts.
18) Seriously, the Seahawks and Patriots? One of would have been too much, and now we have to deal with both???? Why, God, why???? What have we done to be so forsaken by you????
19) The over/under on amount of times the average person will want to punch Richard Sherman during the game is currently listed at “infinite.”
20) The commentators will continually remind viewers that, yes, that yellow first down line is unofficial, and yes, you probably shouldn’t pay attention to it anyway because the refs will find some way to fuck up the spot.
21) At least one movie that won’t be released for another four years will have a trailer during the game’s commercials.
22) The movie will probably be directed by Michael Bay.
23) It will probably be a shitty movie.
24) At least 85% of grandfathers watching the game will make a comment using the ‘n’ word to describe what’s going on in this game.
25) These same grandfathers will also comment that players these days are pussies and that “they just don’t make ’em like they used to”.
26) These same grandfathers will be asleep by the 2nd quarter, to the joy of their surrounding families.
27) Every time my brain tries to process that we will be watching the Seahawks and Patriots play for the world title and that one of them HAS to win, it can’t stop vomiting in my skull.
28) The NFL has warned Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch that he will get penalized for grabbing his crotch. This makes the NFL the sports league equivalent of the Catholic religion.
29) Bill Belichick is expected to drop at least two My Cousin Vinny references, four references to Home Alone, and, if we’re lucky, a Goodfellas reference during his post game press conference.
30) Seriously, though, fuck this game and both these teams.