The Mumps Survival Guide

16 Dec


For those of who don’t pay attention to the NHL, which according to TV ratings is every one of you, than you might not have heard that there is an epidemic of the mumps virus within the league. As of now, 10 players, including superstar Sidney Crosby, have succumbed to the disease.

I know what you’re thinking. “Greeeat. I just recovered from Ebola. Now I need to worry about mumps???” Don’t worry. That’s where I come in. I put together a tiny little guide to help you out with finding out whether or not you have mumps and what to do if you discover you do indeed have it. Read on, and arm yourself with medical knowledge!

Am I at risk?

business man shrug

The following people are most at risk for a mumps infection:


-NHL players.

-Time travelers who recently visited Victorian London.

-People who have seen, talked to, hugged, or licked others already infected with mumps.

-People who refused to take the mumps vaccine because they thought it would make them autistic.

What are the symptoms?

sick person

Mumps has several symptoms including:


-Loss of appetite.

-Swollen glands.

-People staring at said swollen glands because they’re so ugly looking.

-A sudden appreciation for free form jazz.

-Urges to watch Paulie Shore movies, and not in an ironic way.

-A general, sneaking feeling that makes you go, “Huh, I think I might have Mumps.”

-Lots of farting.

I think I have mumps. How do I get diagnosed?


There are several ways to find out officially if you have mumps. These include:

-Going to Wikipedia, reading the article on mumps in depth, and deciding for yourself.

-Go to your local witch doctor and ask for his opinion (barring you have enough first born sons to sacrifice as payment).

-Buy a mumps self test diagnosis kit from your local drug store, electronics store, or mumps self test diagnosis kit store.

-Ask a trusted friend, “Hey, does this look like mumps to you?”

Oh crap! I got the mumps! Now what do I do!


There are no specific treatments for mumps, but there are ways to cope with it. These include:

-Kill yourself.

-Watch Paulie Shore movies, and not ironically.

-Take the vaccine and hope it doesn’t realize you already have mumps.

-Go on a walkabout, find your inner self, or some other spiritual shit.

-Wait a week or two because it’s the fucking mumps and you’ll probably be okay after that.

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Posted by on December 16, 2014 in Uncategorized


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