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If George R. R. Martin Wrote Lord of the Rings

06 Apr

2011 Winter TCA Tour - Day 3

The next season of Game of Thrones comes out tonight, which means if you can’t afford HBO, it’s time to avoid the internet because everybody-and I mean fucking EVERYBODY- with a keyboard will end up spoiling something for you. It’s almost impossible to be anywhere without it being discussed, either. Whether it’s the complex dynamic characters, the gripping political struggles or the floppy boobs, Game of Thrones has proven to be one of the most popular shows on the planet right now.

As the hours tick by to the premiere, I got to thinking. What can I do to totally immerse myself in the Game of Thrones frame of mind in time for the Season 4 premiere? I suppose I could go LARPing, visit a brothel and have someone throw pig shit in my face. I would be the Daniel Day Lewis of Game of Thrones fans, going the extra mile to better prepare myself for the show and its medieval fantasy setting. Buuut I would rather have something a little less realistic and pig shitty.

So instead, I decided to just rewatch the first three seasons.

And now, as I rewatch the show and suddenly remember that the show’s central theme of “no one can be happy ever and everyone you like dies, always” can get a bit exhausting and stressful, I also find that I have a fantasy itch that needs to be scratched. I am jonesing for more fantasy action like a Lannister jones for a debt to repay, or something. Uhh, I’m not very good with Game of Thrones analogies.

As I look for other fantasy worlds to dive into, I turn to games like Skyrim and Oblivion, books like any fantasy book ever written, and to movies like Lord of the Rings. I feel silly mentioning that last one because of course anyone in the mood for fantasy is going to turn to LOTR. It’s like someone mentioning that a Stark looking for dire wolf should just go to the dire wolf store (dear God, the analogies aren’t getting any better are they?)

One day, as I watched The Fellowship of the Ring, I realized my perception of the two fantasy worlds were starting to clash. I started to wonder what the LOTR trilogy would be like if George R.R. Martin had written them instead of J.R.R. Tolkien (also, fantasy writers like ‘R’s in their name, apparently). I suddenly saw a LOTR where every orc had a floppy, green penis and where Frodo and Sam’s homoerotic undertones were no longer just undertones and were very much front and center. As my gears started to turn, I realized I had to make this hypothetical scenario a real thing and put down on paper what I thought the George R.R. Martin style LOTR would look like. The computer was calling me, like Stannis Boratheon calls to that fire priestess whenever he wants to have sex with her. Ouch, fuck me, that was the last analogy, I promise.

Without any further introduction, I produce a small sample script of a scene from a George R.R. Martin/Game of Thrones style LOTR. Enjoy, or try to at least.

(Scene begins in Elrond’s brothel. Sitting around a round table are Frodo, Sam, Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gimli. On the table are several naked women who are fingerblasting each other with much earnest.)

Elrond

No, no! You are doing it all wrong! You must do it more delicately, to make them want you more. Then, when their lust is at its apex, you must-

Gandalf

Master Elrond, I beg your pardon, but while I don’t mind watching your whores fingerblast the shit out of each other with much earnest, I was hoping we could discuss the fate of the One Ring instead.

Elrond

Oh, I suppose three straight hours of this has indeed been enough. Ladies! Please, retire to your quarters!

Ladies

(in unison)

Yes, Lord Elrond!

(The woman all leave, leaving the others in awkward silence.)

Aragorn

So. Ahem. How do we follow that?

Elrond

I can summon them again, if you wish.

Gimli

Hear, hear!

Gandalf

No! We are here to discuss the matter of the One Ring, and we shall get on with that business immediately. Now, Frodo. Please, place the ring on the table.

(Frodo slowly gets up and tentatively walks over to the table which was mere minutes removed from major fingerblasting. Frodo digs into his pocket, brings out the ring and places it on the table. Both curious and excited murmurs alike ring out through the council.)

Aragorn

So, we’re like, totally destroying this thing, right?

Boromir

Destroy? Why destroy such a fantastic power when one can wield it!

Gimil

Hear, hear!

Elrond

If properly used, I do believe the One Ring could do much good. Would you not agree, Gandalf?

Gandalf

Probably, sure.

Elrond

But the matter then comes down to who should get to wield the power? This is my brothel, so obviously, I do believe the creed of “finder’s keeper’s” is in full effect.

(Elrond starts to go over collect the ring but Aragorn, Boromir and Gandalf all stand up. Aragorn and Boromir unsheate their swords and Gandalf aims his staff at Elrond.)

Gandalf

You will stand back at once, Master Elrond!

Elrond

Or what? You’re going to blind me with that night light on a stick?

Gandalf

Silence! It does so much more than that, I swear!

Aragorn

The entire fate of Middle Earth lies in the balance with this One Ring, and you think you deserve it just because you own the brothel?

Elrond

Not only that, but I am a noble born Elf. My family is much more powerful than any of yours.

Boromir

Is that what this is about? Family stature? Then I have an offer for you, Elrond.

Elrond

What?

Boromir

Allow me to wed your daughter, Arwen, so that our houses and families can join. Then, we can share the power of the One Ring.

Aragorn
(aiming his sword at Boromir)

And what gives you the right to wed Elrond’s daughter?

Elrond

The idea of wedding my house and family with the house of Gondor’s ruling family is quite appealing. Aragorn, I believe he has a point.

Aragorn

But your daughter loves me! Were you not present during the graphic sex we had three scenes ago?

(Elrond considers this.)

Aragorn
(cont.)

I will simply not stand idle while my beautiful Arwen is wed against her will to some Gondor swine! Also, don’t you realize I’m the fucking king? Like, of all Middle Earth? Not just Gondor?

Elrond

Boromir, Aragorn has a point. He is, indeed, the fucking king.

Boromir

Middle Earth has not had a true king for years! I will cut off his cock if he takes Arwen’s hand in marriage.

Elrond

Perhaps, we can make a compromise. Aragorn, you can wed Arwen and Bormoir, you can wed my other, but much less attractive daughter, Duriel. Then all our families can be joined!

Gandalf

And what of us? As your families grow in power, that weakens our stature in the realm!

Gimli

Hear, hear!

Legolas

We demand to be married too!

Frodo

If they get to be married, then us hobbits should be married too! We have power in the Shire that would be vital to all of your respective families.

Elrond

Then we must discuss at great length what to do of these matters…

(The scene cuts to black with a “One hour later” shown on the screen. The scene then goes back to the Council, as Elrond stands with a long, flowing scroll in front of him.)

Elrond

So here’s what we have thus far. Aragorn and Boromir will marry my daughters Arwen and Duriel respectively, Gandalf will marry Eowyn of Rohan, Gimli will marry Legolas’s sister Tiriam-

Gimli

Hear, hear!

Elrond

-Frodo and Sam will marry each other, obviously, Merry will marry Mary from Lothlorien, and Pippin will marry this pot of soil I dug up from my garden.

(Elrond stands aside, revealing a clay pot of soil.)

Pippin.
(flatly)

Cool.

Elrond

Are all these terms agreeable?

(Murmurs of agreement are heard from the Fellowship.)

Elrond

Good. Then we can-

(Elrond is stopped suddenly as an arrow flies through a back window and through his chest. He looks down at the arrow stunned, when two more fly through, both hitting straight through his eyeballs.)

Gandalf

Dear Gods!

(The Council stand up and start to panic. Sam vomits all over the floor. Through the same window, torches are thrown into the room, catching fire to the carpet and drapes around the room. One of the torches hits Merry and he bursts into flames. Another torch slams into the clay pot Pippin was to marry.)

Pippin

Honey!

(The door to the room slams open, revealing a whole battalion of orcs, swords unsheated. They run into the room and start to slaughter the entire Fellowship. Aragorn fends off a few until he is decapitated. Boromir is caught from behind and has his throat slit. Gandalf tries to aim his staff at one of the orcs as another one shoves his arm through his back and tears out his spine, which he is then strangled with. Pippin lies crying over his broken pot of soil, as one of the orcs smashes his head with a warhammer. Legolas has a spear shoved up his asshole. Gimli is picked up an unceremoniously tossed out the window. An orc takes Frodo and Sam, the only two remaining, and bangs their heads together like Larry and Curly from the Three Stooges, except, unlike the Three Stooges, their heads smash apart like melons.)

Orc Leader

It is done! The Fellowship is dead! Rape the whores! Burn the brothel to the ground!

(The screen cuts to black and the end credits begin.)

 

So yeah, I think I nailed the tone of a George R.R. Martin penned LOTR pretty well, if I do say so myself.

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Posted by on April 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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