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4 Things A Single Person Should Love And Hate About Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

vday

Ah, Valentine’s Day. The holiday of love, chocolate, hearts, and terrible, terrible Hallmark Channel original movies. Unfortunately, if you’re like me, you’re single. And being single on Valentine’s Day is like being a Jewish kid on Christmas or like being European on the 4th of July or like being a person with good taste on the day a new Pretty Little Liars episode premiers.

And I have to admit, I have a lot of practice with this whole being single on Valentine’s Day thing. In my roughly 285 months on this planet, I’ve only been in relationships for 4 of them. If being in a relationship was like being in the NFL playoffs, I’d be the Cleveland Browns of dating.

I’m not complaining though! I’m not bitter about my never being able to experience Valentine’s Day with a partner, and I’m not trying to say that I hate the holiday. No, I understand that Valentine’s Day is enjoyable for some people and that I’m sure I will enjoy it when I get into a serious relationship at some point in the mid 2020s. I’m not one of those cynics who mopes around, cursing Valentine’s Day as a “commercial holiday” right before he goes to start flame wars on Reddit.

So, with this blog post I intend to look at Valentine’s Day in a positive light. I’m going to run down a list of things that single person should celebrate when it comes to the holiday, even if it seems kind of shitty at first. Oh, and I’m going to talk about why you should hate those very same things, because let’s be honest, it is kind of shitty. But mostly good! Sort of. Maybe.

I have a complicated relationship with this holiday, okay? Anyway, onto the list!

4. Facebook

Why you should hate it:

Facebook on a normal day is like a zoo, except instead of caged animals, its annoying people posting memes about their political beliefs or telling you about how much their job sucks or posting pictures of the booze they’re about to swill down. And that’s just in the morning.

So imagine Valentine’s Day, one of the most polarizing days in the calender year. Surely everyone will be on Facebook, spouting how much they love or hate the holiday. It gets tiresome, especially after you see your 18th LOLCat post, asking if they “can has Valentine’s Day?”.

lolcats

Is LOLcats still a thing? I’m not really up on my memes.

The worst, though, are the couples. This might seem like an obvious complaint, like a blind person complaining about the lack of movies filmed completely in Braille. On Valentine’s Day, couples take it upon themselves to remind the world everything about how yes, they are dating, and yes, even though they’re not explicitly saying it, they are having so much more sex than us single dweebs. They like to take and post pictures of their gifts, only too happy to show that their boyfriend got them not one but two brand new ponies. I once saw a running status where couples actually recited facts about their relationship, like they were reading off the back of a baseball card. Where they met, how long they’ve been dating, their favorite sexual position (one of those may not have actually been there). Do they really think we care enough about their relationship that we want to know every little detail, so we can finally start writing and filming a biopic about it?

If you hate Facebook on a normal day, it’s probably best to avoid it on Valentine’s Day as a single person, unless you are a masochist. In which case, you probably aren’t single and are too busy getting whipped by your sex slaves on Valentine’s Day to even bother checking Facebook, so it doesn’t apply.

Why you should love it:

There is a name for people who feel nothing but hatred for their friends when they express their happiness and love for each other. It’s called a “sociopath.”

Seriously, guy? You’re that gloomy and depressed that your friends proudly stating that they’re in love with your best friend sends you into fits of rage? It’s people like you that make gun control activists seem like they may be onto something when saying that we should start restricting the open purchase of firearms.

Ted like Nicky's post about their plans for Valentine's Day? That FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Ted like Nicky’s post about their plans for Valentine’s Day? That FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Listen, it may not be easy to see a bunch of people with something you don’t have flaunt it in front of your little jealous eyes. It’s like seeing your rich neighbor washing his Ferrari in his driveway while you struggle to get your clunky minivan to start.

But they’re not doing it because they hate you. They’re doing it because they’re happy. Friends should be happy when their friends are happy. If that last sentence gave you chills, perhaps you should go back to shoving the skeletons of your victims into your crawlspace.

3. No Gifts

Why you should hate it:

While Valentine’s Day may not be as automatically associated with gifts like Christmas or Guy Fawkes Day, but gifts are still a big part of it. Boyfriends and girlfriends are always getting each other chocolates, teddy bears, and sex toys on February 14th and this year will be no different.

You know what that means for us single people right? Yep. No chocolates to eat, no teddy bears to cuddle with and no sex toys to frantically hide from our parents as they come into the room without knocking beforehand. I talked about being a Jewish person on Christmas, and it definitely applies here. All your couple friends are not only enjoying the non stop sex that comes with a relationship (there’s non stop sex, right? I’m really bad at relationships, guys), but now they’re giving each other gifts and you’re not getting shit. In fact, it’s worse than being a Jewish person on Christmas. If you’re Jewish, you at least have Hannuka in the sameish time period as Christmas. There’s no Single Person Valentine’s Day to make up the lack of gift getting. If you’re waiting for some sort of celebration of your ineptitude at talking to people you’re romantically interested in, you might as well just start training on not being so inept at talking to people you’re romantically interested in, because it will take just as long.

Why you should love it:

You know the shitty part about getting gifts, right? The part where you are expected to give a gift in return. And if Christmas and Guy Fawkes Day have taught us anything, it’s that giving gifts can be hard. Now imagine that the person you are giving the gift to is the person you care about the most (second to me, of course) and is one of the last people you’d ever want to disappoint.

On Valentine’s Day, the pressure cooker that is buying gifts becomes even more…uh, pressure cookery. Do you want to be the dork who got your partner a bag of Hershey Kisses when he/she bought you that limited edition Led Zeppelin Blu Ray you’ve been scouring black markets for the past year? You really want to see that look of disappointment on your partner’s face when they open your gift, discovering you thought Season 3 of the Everybody Loves Raymond was a great gift to express your love?

Nothing says "I think we should just be friends" more than this.

Nothing says “I think we should just be friends” more than this.

On Christmas, you have a bunch of people to buy gifts for. If your Uncle Vinnie doesn’t care for the Spongebob boxers you bought for him, you can at least take enjoyment in the glee your mother had in opening her new gilded pizza slicer (I speak from experience, here). With Valentine’s Day, it’s like that mission in Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare where you have one shot in your sniper rifle to take down the villain. You miss the shot? Someone loses an arm. And that goes the same for a bad Valentine’s Day gift, actually.

Listen, you may not be getting a gift. But just take peace that you aren’t under the monumental pressure of disappointing someone who may be the future person you make a human being with/the person you already made a human being with. There are already too many opportunities for that.

2. Not Having Any Plans

Why you should hate it:

Not only are couples busy rubbing their love in your face on Facebook and giving each other gifts, but they have the audacity to actually make plans on Valentine’s Day. Maybe they’re doing a dinner and a move thing or maybe they’re cooking each other a romantic dinner in their homes or maybe they’re inviting all their other couple friends over for an orgy so depraved and sinful that would it make Dionysus blush.

While I’m sure some couples aren’t able to make plans on Valentine’s Day, either because they’re both busy or because they’re a couple of bullshit hipsters who like bucking trends, it’s safe to say that majority of you couple friends will be busy doing something. Where does that leave you? Ah, yes. It leaves you sitting in your bean bag chair, naked, eating cold Spaghettios straight out of the can.

While this may be what you do on a nightly basis, it makes you feel a little sour when you have to do it on a night when you know damn well that your friends are busy doing other things. Why can’t they let you come along, you desperately ask. You have no problem being a third wheel. You’d even promise not to masturbate when they start fooling around!

"Ohh yeah. Now tell her to call you Daddy and spank her up a bit."

“Ohh yeah. Now tell her to call you Daddy and spank her up a bit.”

Such is the prison that is Valentine’s Day for a single person. Yes, there are groups of friends who go out on single dates but that group will dwindle down, year by year, if you all haven’t made a suicide pact by then.

All joking aside, it’s rough listening to a bunch of people make plans when you know that you aren’t going to be able to join them.

Why you should love it:

Wait a second. Are you trying to tell me you don’t like having time to yourself? The idea of not being locked into something doesn’t sound appealing to you? Yes, having plans is still more fun than not having plans but I’m going to steal what I said in the gifts section and point out the lack of pressure that comes with not having plans. Don’t have to worry about reservations or whether or not the movie theatre will be sold out or whether or not you brought enough fine oils to the orgy.

Being single does have its perks, and part of that is the liberating feeling that comes from not being tied down. And that liberation is no more apparent than on Valentine’s Day night, when you are free to sit in and choose what movie to watch on Netflix or what video game you want to commit an all nighter session to.

A video game may not provide the compassion a romantic partner can, but admit it. They are a lot less stressful. Unless you’re playing Battletoads. Because, fuck, that game was hard.

Just seeing the main menu gives me PTSD flashbacks.

Just seeing the main menu gives me PTSD flashbacks.

1. Looking To Next Year

Why you should hate it:

Valentine’s Day came and went and you didn’t manage to get into a serious, committed relationship in that 24 hour span. It’s okay though, you only have to wait 364 days for the next one to come. Maybe you’ll be find someone by then, eh kid?

Like Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the longest part (especially when you’re waiting for next year’s Valentine’s Day). Waiting for anything sucks. You think people don’t like the dentist because they don’t like having needles jammed into their teeth? Pfft. It’s because of the waiting room. In order to appreciate a true Valentine’s Day with a legitimate Valentine, you only have to wait 8,736 hours. Such fun!

On the bright side, you should be able to finish the Lord of the Rings Extended Edition trilogy in that time, if you skip meals.

On the bright side, you should be able to finish the Lord of the Rings Extended Edition trilogy in that time, if you skip meals.

Why you should love it:

You know the great thing about long spans of time? Lots of things can happen in long spans of time. Think only couples can be happy on Valentine’s Day? Nonsense. A single person can take the happiness a couple feels and turn that shit into optimism for the coming year. Do you honestly believe next Valentine’s Day will be spent lonely and depressed? If you keep up with that sort of thinking, you will be. Or if you’re ugly, I guess

The time between Valentine’s Days for a single person is like an offseason for a football team. Instead of moping around and thinking about how there’s no way you’ll make the Super Bowl, you should enjoy the time and be proactive. Meet new people. Rekindle lost friendships. Finally save the money and shell out for that much needed penis reduction surgery. I’ve always assumed that was my issue, at least.

Though let me say this. If you’re really upset at the concept of having to wait a year for Valentine’s Day, you may need to reflect on your life, if you can find time between building shrines for your old high school crushes that you haven’t seen in six years.

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Posted by on February 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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