Kyle Hanley’s Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII

02 Feb


The other day at work, I was on break, sitting in the faculty lounge and eating my generic brand Cheez-Itz. There was another woman in the work, crimping paper or some shit, when she had the audacity to start talking and ruin my peaceful break.

“So who ya rooting for this Sunday?” she said.

I took a deep breath. It’s fine, Kyle, I thought. Just answer her and definitely do not throw your crackers at her for interrupting your train of thought because that would be a waste of crackers and you would probably miss anyway.

“The Broncos. I am a 49ers fan, so I hate the Seahawks.”

There, I thought. That’s enough to sate her appetite for conversation and now I can go back to-

“Ohh, okay,” she continued, “I think my daughter likes the Broncos. Peyton Manning’s on that team, right?”


“Is this a game between the two Manning brothers?”

I almost crushed my crackers in my grip. Eli Manning? On the Seahawks? Where had she heard that?”

“No. No, he’s in New York.”

“Oh, okay,” she said cheerfully, continuing her paper crimping or whatever shit she was doing, “I know about football, but I don’t know who’s on what teams. Or where the teams are.”

I was speechless. I understand if you don’t know the nuances of football, or if you can’t recite every roster off the top of your head, but the NFL is such a juggernaught that I just assumed people would at least know things like where the teams are located.

“I mean, I know there are quarters and stuff,” she continued, obviously trying to dazzle me with her in depth knowledge of the sport.

Quarters. She knows there are quarters.

This was an eye opening experience. I realized not everybody had a brain that was a deep reservoir of football knowledge such as I do. I then decided that I would take it upon myself to write a quick starter’s guide to this year’s Super Bowl, covering all the important points that you need to know. If you all you know about football is that it involves “people” and that there is “running”, then this is the perfect guide for you. Let’s begin.

The Teams

This game is between the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks. Denver is in Colorado. It has mountains. Seattle is in Washington. It has rain and loud mouthed assholes.

The Broncos are the number one offense in the league, which means they are very good at getting things called points.

The Seahawks are the number one defense in the league, which means they are very good at running into things until those things stop running too.

Lots of analysts will be calling this a matchup between “an unstoppable force” vs “an immovable object”. If that means anything, the game will result in a 0-0 stalemate.

The Players

Here are some of the players that you should keep your eye on, while you keep your other eye on whatever you’re stuffing your face with at the moment:

Peyton Manning

Even so called football idiots should know who Manning is. He’s a guy with a gigantic red forehead who happens to be very good at throwing a leather ball into people’s hands. He is also apparently a Papa John’s employee, because you need SOMETHING to pay the bills.

Terrance Knighton

Knighton is nicknamed “Pot Roast” because he is very fat and fat people like pot roast, among other foods, because they are fat. He plays defensive tackle, which is what “football idiots” might recognize as “fat man who stands in middle of defense trying to stay standing so people have to try and run around him.” He will get lots of tackles, and you will hear how he is nicknamed “Pot Roast” over. And over. And over. Again. And again.

Champ Bailey

He is somewhere in the ballpark of 100 years old. His job is to stop Seattle ball catchers from catching the ball. Given his age, he may have to leave the game early to make sure he doesn’t miss the repeat episode of Matlock.

Wes Welker

He is short and white, which you think wouldn’t bode well for an NFL career but Wes Welker has defied the odds by somehow being successful, despite his physical attributes and the fact that he had Tom Brady and Peyton Manning throwing him the ball.

Von Miller

He won’t be playing in this game, so don’t worry about him. He tore his ACL.

Chris Harris

He tore his ACL too.

Sidney Rice

So did he.

Dan Koppen

Yep. Him too.

Jesse Williams

He should have a real impact on this game. Or he would, if his ACL wasn’t torn.

Greg Scruggs

Aaaaaand torn ACL.

Percy Harvin

He doesn’t have a torn ACL, but knowing his injury history, he will most likely be confined to a wheelchair by the second quarter. His return will be listed as “probable.”

Zac Dysert

I don’t even know who this is. Apparently he’s the 3rd string QB for the Broncos. If he is in the game at any point, head for your nearest fallout shelter.

Marshawn Lynch

Lynch looks like a monster that you would have to do battle with in a God of War game. He is a huge slab of muscle, his uncaring eyes shielded behind a dark visor so that you can’t even look into them for sympathy as he bulldozes you on his way to a 40 yard touchdown run. He likes eating Skittles, although I’m wondering if “Skittles” is just another word for “the freshly ground up bones of his opponents”.

Russell Wilson

If there is a biography written about Russell Wilson, the quarterback (or as you football idiots might know it as “the ball thrower to the catchers) for the Seahawks, it will begin with “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.” The second line would be, “and he was the most smug cockhole of a hobbit there ever was.” He is very short and I find him very smug. You might think I am biased because I am a 49er fan and that I should be objective, so I will objectively say that Russell Wilson is the 2nd worst human on the planet. The number 1 worst human is…

Richard Sherman

At the end of the 49ers-Seahawks game, you may have seen a gigantic mouth attached to a body called Richard Sherman. He is very arrogant, very loud, very abrasive, very physical and he will let you know all of those things even if you didn’t ask. Even if you wanted to ask, you won’t get a word in because he will never shut the fuck up. Yes, I am a 49er fan, so again I may be letting that alter my perception of who is, admittedly, a very good player but if Richard Sherman spontaneously combusted before the half time show, I probably wouldn’t donate to the inevitable “Richard Sherman Spontaneous Combustion Memorial Fund.”

The Halftime Show

Nothing makes me think of the brutal, physical nature of football more than a Bruno Mars song. His pretty boy looks and Top 40 pop songs will be sure to delight the fans of a sport that involves 250 pound men ramming each other into a case of dementia at age 40.

Seriously though, this is like if Ancient Rome had Britney Spears perform in the Coliseum. How will Mars even deal with the cold? Is he going to perform in a parka? Or will they wheel out a TV on a cart and have him telecast the performance from his swimming pool in Miami?

Also, the Red Hot Chili Peppers will be there. Hardly a consolation. If you drizzle a plate of cow turds with chocolate syrup, I’m still not eating it.

The Commercials

The people who say, “I watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials” baffle me. Super Bowl commercials are like normal commercials but longer, so it’s worse than a normal commercial. People don’t actually enjoy Super Bowl commercials. They enjoy Super Bowl commercial specials, where people collect the non shitty commercials from the shitty commercials.

We will probably see a commercial with talking animals, a commercial with those stupid Budweiser Clydesdales that will try to be emotional, a commercial that will try to be edgy with scantily clad women and innuendo, and a few commercials for movies that won’t be in theatres until 2016. Yeah, thank God they’re interrupting the game for these.

The Weather

The NFL had the genius plan of having New York host the Super Bowl this year. For those who don’t know, New York is in the northeast which just so happens to be cold during this time of year. Football purists are claiming this to be a good thing, as this cold weather will harken back to the old school style of football. For reference, “old school” football is where each team combined for 10 pass attempts, kickers could barely kick the ball farther than 30 yards with any degree of consistency, and where the final score was 5-2.

But to be honest, I do think the conditions are a bit overblown. Surprisingly, professional athletes are very athletic. They will be able to handle a ball that’s slightly harder than a normal ball and there are new inventions called sleeves that should provide some comfy relief if they need it.

And all those critics saying Peyton Manning can’t play in the cold? He’s been playing in Denver the past two years. Seriously, Denver is 50 more feet above sea level from being in outer space.

The Security

Apparently, security is tighter at this Super Bowl than ever before. This most likely isn’t to try and prevent a terrorist attack, but to keep Eli Manning out of the stadium.

The Score

So you’re probably wondering what the score will be. If you read my playoff predictions blog post, you know that I’m very good at predicting things. So you can take this prediction to the bank, assuming your bank deposits football predictions and not money:

Seahawks: 23

Broncos: 20

I hope I am wrong, given the disturbing amounts of loathing I have for the Seahawks. It may be tough enjoying the game knowing how it will end, but do your best.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday, everyone!

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Posted by on February 2, 2014 in Uncategorized


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