God, it must suck to be you. To have such terrible, uninformed opinions on things. Constantly seeking, searching, looking for someone to give you guidance on good things for you to enjoy. Like how did you even wake up this morning without help? And those clothes you’re wearing…did you dress yourself? Ugh.
Well, don’t fret. I know you’re incompetent. I know that when it comes to deciding things for yourself, that you need ME to give you MY opinion on things so that YOU can get set on the right path. That’s why I decided to make a list of the top 5 movies of this past year. That’s 2013. Do you understand? Very good! See, we’re already making progress! Now when you’re sitting around, helplessly trying to do something that isn’t “cry” or “jerk off” or “cry and jerk off”, you can at least watch a movie while you cry and jerk off!
5: American Hustle
This movie is based on some actual event that happened at some point in time with some actual, real people. When this movie came out, my complete ignorance of FBI and con artist joint operations in the 1970s was on display as I had no clue what the ABSCAM operation was. I mean, what the hell is an ABSCAM? Sounds like some shitty generic brand knockoff version of a Bowflex machine.
This ignorance proved to be an advantage, as I had no idea what I was going into when I saw this movie. Compare that to a movie like Argo, where we all clearly knew that the hostages were going to get our of Iran, or a movie like Apollo 13 where we all knew they were going to get back to Earth safely, or a movie like The Passion of the Christ where we all know Jesus was going to win that break dancing competition. All I knew was that there was going to be a hustle and that it would be American.
So in the film, we see con artists Christian Bale and Amy Adams reluctantly joining up with Bradley Cooper to help him taken down some crooked politicians. The one thing I liked about the movie is how messy the characters are. Most of the characters are morally ambiguous with all kinds of conflicting motivations and throughout the movie, I didn’t know who I wanted to root for. Do I root for the shifty con artists who, in their shady past, suckered tons of innocent people? Or do I root for the selfish FBI agent who is willing to do anything, absolutely ANYTHING, to complete his operation. In the end, I decided to root for boobs.
Oh boy are there boobs. If there’s one thing the ’70s did right, it’s revealing dresses. The ’70s pretty much got everything else wrong, but yeah, it did dresses pretty well. There’s no nudity like in Wolf of Wall Street, but what do you think I am? A pervert? I’m not going to downgrade a movie just because it didn’t have any full frontal boob shots, despite my yelling and pleading at the movie screen as I ignored the other moviegoers yelling at me to shut up and the theatre security guards tazing me several times.
With an A-list cast like this movie boasts, you probably expect some good performances. Luckily, this movie meets those expectations. If I were to pick a highlight performance I would either pick Jennifer Lawrence or Jeremy Renner’s hair. In the end, I’ll pick Jennifer Lawrence who is the deliciously insane wife of Christian Bale. I hesitate to pick Lawrence, because it’s already known that she is the most talented and well loved living thing on the planet, but I might as well go with the flow. She’s great in it. And she has boobs. And you almost get to see them, if you kind of crane your neck and squint and imagine them without a dress in front of them.
The thing keeping this movie in the number five spot is probably it’s slow beginning. As we are introduced to the characters, namely Christian Bale’s and Amy Adams’s’s’s, the movie takes its time in setting the table for whats to come. Once the actual FBI operation gets started, the movie doesn’t look back, but its expository scenes keep this movie from outshining the others on this list.
Random takeaway: Poor Christian Bale’s physique. That guy changes categories on the BMI scale like a politician changes prostitutes.
4. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
The subtitle makes this seem like a documentary on the growing problem of air pollution in Los Angeles, but don’t worry, it’s not. This is the second part of the Hobbit trilogy and the direct sequel to The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey or, as I liked to call it, CGI: The Movie.
Despite my little jab at CGI: The Movie, shit, I mean, An Unexpected Journey, I actually think it’s a woefully underrated movie. Okay, there are a few odd decisions. That weird giant rabbit sled…a pointless cameo from Christopher Lee’s exhumed corpse in front of a green screen…too much green screen, while I’m on it…that dishwashing scene…Bombur. Okay, you know what, the first Hobbit did deserve a bit of criticism but I still believe that if you go into it with an open mind that it is still a fun, charming film. Nowhere near the level of Lord of the Rings, but if you’re going judge every movie you see against LOTR, you’re going to hate a lot of movies.
So even though I enjoyed CGI: The Movie, DAMMIT, I MEAN THE HOBBIT PART ONE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK, I did go into this movie with a little trepidation. The trailers all looked like they very much were not paying attention to the criticism of the first movie. There was still criminal amounts of CGI, there was Orlando Bloom because why, I don’t know, and the titular dragon, the most important character in the story besides Bilbo, looked like something you would see at the entrance gate of a low budget Medieval themed amusement park.
But gosh dang it, this movie was good. Honest to goodness good! The action scenes were creative and memorable, the movie wasn’t paced like a Nathaniel Hawthorn novel, and the inclusion of LOTR characters was almost not entirely pointless! And that eye searingly ugly dragon I posted above? Apparently the people at New Line Cinema grew eyeballs between now and then and decided that first dragon wasn’t good enough. Smaug was one of the coolest CGI characters I’ve seen and that voice of his. Oh God. I never thought I would want to fuck a dragon’s voice before, but Benedict Cumberbatch accomplished that with his incredible performance.
The movie still suffers from a few flaws. You can tell Peter Jackson had to pad this film like an insecure teenage girl’s bra, and we get some superfluous shit like Legolas, the addition of Kate from LOST and a very unnecessary political subplot in the city of Laketown involving a character called The Master, as played by Stephen Fry. Any excuse to put Stephen Fry in your movie is usually okay by me, but fuck man, at least try to make it reasonable.
So all in all, CGI: The Movie 2 is much better than its predecessor and while, no, it still doesn’t meet the standards of LOTR it still deserves your money and attention unless you hate fun. The barrel scene is worth the price of admission alone.
Random takeaway: When going to see this movie with my posse of 2 dudes, we noticed the screen above our theatre said, “Hobbit: Smaug 2D” which to our retarded eyes looked like “Hobbit: Smauged” which leads me to believe that our retarded eyes should get jobs in Hollywood, because that is a MUCH better title. Can you imagine Bilbo after chopping off a goblin’s dick, looking at the camera and saying, “You’ve just been Smauged, homie.”?
3. This Is The End
If you think a movie with some of the funniest people in Hollywood avoiding the dangers of the apocalypse while cracking dick joke after dick joke isn’t a good premise for a movie, you can stop reading this and stick your face in a blender because that’s what you deserve. If you think it IS a good premise for a movie, then you and your non-blendered face should go and watch this movie immediately.
I will preface this by saying that a good amount of people I thought were my friends refer to this movie as “average” and “unimpressive.” The only way this movie can be considered “average” is if you went into it with the expectations that it shoots free cupcakes and blow jobs out of the TV screen while it plays. It is a hilarious film and the one of the best comedies since Hot Tub Time Machine.
So, as a point of reference, if you didn’t enjoy the humor and majesty of Hot Tub Time Machine, this won’t be for you. You should probably stick to stuff more your speed, like Touched By An Angel or knitting. Or sticking your face in a blender. Yeah, go do that if you haven’t already.
The movie does suffer from a lack of a strong script. You can tell that the movie is pretty much just a bunch of apocalypse themed skits cobbled together. It’s still good stuff because it’s all real funny, but don’t expect any sort of ground breaking plot or character developing. There’s some sort of moral about being a better person hidden in there but that righteous theme is somewhat undermined by the 30 foot long demon dick that is seen late in the movie.
So if you’re looking for a comedy with brains rather than dicks, you should probably look elsewhere. If you want to have a fun time for 90 minutes that doesn’t involve YouTube, a vat of Vaseline and your unzipped pants then look no further.
Random takeaway: Danny McBride not being nominated for Best Actor In Everything is the greatest Oscar snub of the century.
2. The Wolf of Wall Street
If your movie is described as “the GoodFellas of this generation” you have my attention, especially if your movie is made by Martin Scorsese, the guy who made “the GoodFellas of last generation” which, incidentally, was GoodFellas.
The Wolf of Wall Street is a return to form for Scorsese, after he dabbled in whatever the fuck Hugo was for a bit.
This is a good old fashioned crime movie and NOBODY makes a crime movie like Scorsese can. It ollows the career of stock broker Jordan Belfort, played brilliantly by Leo DiCaprio (seriously, not counting teenage girls, who saw him in Titantic and thought, ‘He’s going to be really awesome some day’). Belfort made quite a living off of scamming schnooks in the stock market, selling worthless ‘penny stocks’ for thousands and thousands of dollars, reaping tons of commission of it.
Not to beat a dead gangster, but the film is very much GoodFellas in its style. Its a kinetic, breakneck account of one man’s life, detailing his rise to power, his zany adventures during this high point in his life (and he certainly reaches ‘high’ points in this film, LOL), and his eventual fall from grace. It’s funny, sharp and filled to the brim with boobs.
Seriously. This movie would make Caligula awkwardly squirm in his seat. Cocain is snorted off of buttholes, contraband is hidden inside buttholes, a candle is inserted inside a butthole. Really, the more I think about it, the more I realize this movie is less of a scathing commentary on the shady nature of the stock market and more of a biting satire on how we, as a society, are just not appreciating how useful our buttholes can be.
If you don’t mind a little over the top hedonism, this is a great black comedy. The only flaw I can point out is its length. The movie is one minute shy of being three hours long. Its fast pace helps make the movie seem shorter than it actually is, but there are still a few parts in the middle that drag. I mean, anything that’s three hours long will drag along at some point, even if it involves YouTube, a vat of Vaseline and your unzipping pants.
Random takeaway: I know DiCaprio was nominated for the Best Leading Actor category, and rightly so, but the fact that he wasn’t nominated for Best Actor In Everything Who Isn’t Named Danny McBride was a gross oversight by the Oscar committee.
1. The World’s End
And so here we are. The moment you’ve all been waiting for. What is, objectively and undoubtedly, the greatest movie of 2013?
That answer, my much-more-well-educated-now-than-your-were-at -the-start-of-this-article reader, is The World’s End. To put it in simple terms, there are two types of people in this world: people who enjoyed The World’s End and idiots.
The World’s End is the third, and final, movie in the Three Flavours Cornettos trilogy. You know, those awesome movies directed by Edgar Wright and starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. While Shaun of the Dead featured British people beating the shit out of zombies and Hot Fuzz featured British police officers shooting the shit out of old people, this one is more of a quiet, introspective look on the struggles of growing old and losing your youth, while also dealing with the profound themes of addiction and the homogenization of society.
Just kidding. It’s actually about a group of British people beating the shit out of some robots whilst on a pub crawl.
But don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t lying about those themes. Those themes are very much present in this movie, and its part of the reason why this is probably the most mature of the Cornettos movies. It’s still just as funny as the other two, but this one’s got more thematic meat to it.
Speaking of funny, this movie is very much that. If you know Edgar Wright, than you know he jam packs his movies with so many little jokes and bits of word play that it’s impossible to catch them all on your first viewing. I have watched this movie three or four times and still manage to find a new joke to chuckle at on every subsequent viewing. And like Wright’s other movies, there are tons of tiny details in the background and examples of foreshadowing that can only be seen by the type of insane, obsessive person who believes the Illumnati rigs NFL games and who believes 9/11 was staged with C4 and holographic planes. Hell, there is an entire featurette on the Blu Ray solely dedicated to these moments in the film, just in case you missed them on your 28th viewing.
To me, The World’s End is the perfect type of movie. I love a movie that can make you laugh in one scene, have you on the edge of your seat in the next, and choke you up after that. It’s a wonderful little science fiction/action/comedy/drama/satire and I guarantee you will enjoy it.
If you don’t, you’ll always have your face in a blender to look forward to.
Random takeaway: I sincerely hope this isn’t the last time we see a Wright/Pegg/Frost collaboration. I don’t care if it’s a remake of Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, I want them to make all the movies together.