It’s the start of the new year, which means it’s that time folks. Yes, it’s time for you to make new year’s resolutions to lose weight, learn a new skill or finally kick that speedball habit of yours, but it’s also time for THE MOTHERFUCKING NFL PLAYOFFS, HELL YEAH, FOOTBALL, AMERICA AND GEORGE WASHINGTON AND SHIT!
Every year I make playoff predictions and every year I’m either right or wrong about some or most of the games. But this year, I’m laying down the god damned law. Every game, every pick, every score will be 100% right. Nostradamus would beg for my soothsaying advice if he wasn’t too busy being dead somewhere.
So let’s get down to it. First up:
Wild Card Weekend
Chiefs at Colts: Colts are a tad inconsistent and won a division that is the NFL’s version of the Island of Misfit Toys, if you replaced the toys with awful football teams and the island was made of turd. I like Kansas City in this game mainly because of Alex Smith. If turnovers were sex, Smith would be the football equivalent of every girl I’ve ever dated because he doesn’t give the ball up.
Saints at Eagles: You’ve probably heard that the Saints are terrible on the road but, most of those games were against physical defenses. The Eagles defense is as physical as a five year old after a six hour birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. This will be a shootout of a game and in a shootout between Drew Brees and Nick Foles (who I like to call Not Tom Petty), I choose Brees.
Chargers at Bengals: I decided wanted to simulate this game in Madden to see what the virtual score would be. However, when I plugged in the two teams, the game said to me, “Wait, seriously? The Chargers? Playoffs? Against the Bengals? Hahaha ok.”
49ers at Packers: My 12-4 49ers are forced to go on the road to Lambeau field to face the 8-7-1 Packers. Thank God division winners get home field advantage or I would feel real bad for the Packers. The temperature at Green Bay is going to be a high of negative five and a low of “Fuck this.” They might as well replace the football with a medicine ball because there’s no way receivers are going to be able to catch without their fingers shattering like the T-1000 at the end of Terminator 2. I am not scared by much (except spiders…and sharks…tornadoes…and a world without buffalo wings), but I am scared of this game. Aaron Rodgers is not only healthy, but sporting a rested arm that has no wear and tear on it because he missed so much time due to a broken collarbone. I know I said that receivers won’t be able to catch in this weather, but I should have specified. 49ER receivers won’t be able to catch a ball in this weather, but Rodgers and his offense will be fine because God doesn’t want me to ever see the 49ers win the Super Bowl.
Now is the portion of the article where we start dabbling in the hypothetical, or at least it would be considered hypothetical if I was some ignorant schlub who didn’t know football. That, I am not. So, spoiler alert! If you don’t want to know how the rest of the NFL playoffs will turn out, go back and continue reading all my other great blog posts and come back a month from now to awe yourself of my prognostication.
Saints at Seahawks: When you think of Seattle, you think of the loud noise coming from the 12th man from the Seahawks’ home crowd but there is another loud noise you should associate with Seahawk games. When Seahawk games begin, there is collective noise I make from my fists clenching, my teeth grinding and my butthole tightening in fury all at the same time. I’m just going to say it. I hate the Seahawks. HATE them. I am picking the Saints to go to Seattle and get revenge for that last game because if the Seahawks win a single playoff game this year, I may just punch the high definition out of my TV.
Bengals at Tom Brady: His Holiness Tom Brady will welcome the Bengals and even though the Bengals are a deeper, more complete team, Tom Brady will find a way to win because there is no God.
Tom Brady: 26
Chiefs at Peyton Manning: If you thought Peyton Manning destroying the Chiefs two times in the regular season was fun, then get ready for the threequel! Much like Jurassic Park III, this will likely be awful, pointless, and Sam Neill will fight off a pterodactyl at some point.
Peyton Manning: 38
Packers at Panthers: The Panthers are a team built around a strong defense, a physical running game, and a quarterback who takes care of the ball. That’s just a nice way of saying they are a very boring team. Again, Rodgers and his rested superhuman arm will be the difference here.
Saints at Packers:
If you enjoy hard hitting defense in a football game, you are probably over 80 years old or dead. If you are neither, then, thankfully, this is the game for you. The over/under on this game will be in the triple digits. I don’t care if it’s cold, when Rodgers and Brees go at it you’re in for a fucking neck breaking back and forth shootout.
Saints: Slightly less than infinite.
Tom Brady at Peyton Manning
Fuuuuuck. I actually hope I am wrong about this one. I won’t be able to deal with the media talking about these two quarterbacks meeting up in the playoffs for a chance to go to the Super Bowl. I may just ask my doctor to put me in a medically induced coma until this game is over. I think Peyton Manning wins it because fuuuuuck, seriously, fuck this game if it actually happens.
Peyton Manning: 33
Tom Brady: 31
Peyton Manning vs. Packers
Oh man, Peyton Manning is going up against Aaron Rodgers and the Packers, who I believe will make an unlikely run to the Super Bowl. I give the Packers the edge because Aaron Rodgers is a better cold weather QB and we all know this game will likely be played in Hoth like conditions. Ignore the fact that I just predicted Peyton Manning will win two home playoff games in Denver. Those are outliers.
Peyton Manning: 28