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The Adventures of Good Health and Well Being Man!

21 Sep

GHAWBM logo

A little while ago, Cracked was holding a sketch competition where the prompt was “Awesome Ways To Break Bad News.” I came up with a few sketch ideas to write and ended up starting two of them. Unfortunately, because I am a dumbass, the deadline came and passed and I didn’t finish either sketch. I finally got around to finishing the one for the hell of it, and decided I may as well post it here. So, for your entertainment, here is one of the sketches: “The Adventures of Good Health and Well Being Man!”

(Sketch begins in a doctor’s office. Frank, a man of portly stature, is sitting on an examination table. A doctor, Dr. Saunders, is standing opposite him with a chart in his hand. He has a somber expression on his face.)

Dr. Saunders

I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Frank

Oh, God. Lay it on me, doc, lay it on me. I can handle anything.

Dr. Saunders

I’m afraid you’re…

(Suddenly Dr. Saunders, reaches over to the light switch in the room and starts flipping it on an off, as if the light is flickering.)

Dr. Saunders (cont.)

Oh no! What’s going on! What is this madness!

Frank

Oh God, is it a brain tumor! Am I hallucinating this!?

Dr. Saunders (still flickering the the lights)

No, no! It’s…it’s…

(Suddenly, a Good Health and Well Being Man! bursts through the door. He is wearing a skin tight, neon green shirt and matching neon green tights. He is wearing a neon green mask over his eyes and has a table cloth crudely attached to his back as a cape. Taped on his chest is a piece of paper with the letters GHAWBM! written on it.)

Good Health and Well Being Man!

It’s Good Health and Well Being Man!

Dr. Saunders

(through gritted teeth)

Oh, I thought we agreed on just “Good Health Man”.

Good Health and Well Being Man!

Ah, well, I must have been too busy having sex with your sister to receive that memo!

(Dr. Saunders mutters something angrily under his breath as Good Health and Well Being Man goes over to Frank and puts a hand on his shoulder.)

Frank

(downtrodden)

Are you here to tell me I have cancer? Or ALS? Or club foot?

Good Health and Well Being Man!

No, Ron-

Frank

(interrupts)

Frank.

Good Health and Well Being Man!

Like I said, Ron, it isn’t that! It is a fate far worse!

Frank

(sobbing)

Oh God…it’s scurvy isn’t it. I knew I shouldn’t have gone on that pirate ship, I just knew it!

Good Health and Well Being Man!

No, Ron! You’re fat!

Frank

(slight pause)

Like, ‘phat’ with a p-h or-

Good Health and Well Being Man!

No, fat with an ‘f’, as in “Fucking fuck you’re a fat fucking fucker fuck!”

Frank

But when…when did this happen? How could it happen?

Good Health and Well Being Man!

I understand this must be a confusing time for you! Think about this: has there ever been a time where you ate a disgusting amount of fatty foods-like potato chips, pizza, sope de pollo- and didn’t exercise for a good 4-5 hours to work it off!?

(Frank rubs his chin and ponders the question.)

Frank

Maybe…yesterday? I dunno, Wednesdays are sope de pollo night in my house so it might have been then, too! And the day before that! Oh God, Good Health and Well Being Man, how can I ever fix this!

Good Health and Well Being Man!

Well it isn’t going to be easy, Ron, but there are ways to combat this. When you’re not moving for long hours at a time, try moving instead! Moving and walking and other things that require energy burn calories and can help trim down some of that disgusting, appalling fat you have!

Frank

(nodding in understanding)

My God, that makes perfect sense! What else can I do?

Good Health and Well Being Man!

Try wearing the color black, it is quite slimming! Girls probably won’t want to see you with your shirt off anyway, because you’re an unappealing fatass, so they will never know the doughy mess that lies beneath the shirt!

Frank

Wearing black can make me look thinner? Sounds like magic to me!

Dr. Saunders

Black magic, if you will! Ha!

Good Health and Well Being Man!

(cheerfully)

Speak again and I will slit your throat!

Frank

Seriously, doc, me and Good Health and Well Being Man are trying to discuss my future. What else is there, sir?

Good Health and Well Being Man!

A lot of times, being an unattractive fat asshole has to do with genetics, so simply being born with better genes can help you out too!

Frank

I will keep that in mind. Jeez, so much stuff I didn’t know. I don’t even want to think what would happen if you hadn’t come along, Good Health and Well Being Man!

(Frank gets off the bed and shakes Good Health and Well Being Man!’s hand)

Frank

(cont.)

Thank you, thank you! Fifty times, thank you!

Good Health and Well Being Man!

Don’t thank me! Thank yourself for being lazy and fat in the first place! Without your lack of hard work, we would have never met!

Frank

Now that you mention it, I do deserve a lot of credit. Thanks!

Good Health and Well Being Man!

(gesturing towards door)

Indeed, Ron! Now go forth, and not be fat, before I vomit all over this floor from the very sight of you!

Frank

I will. Time to go buy a shit ton of black shirts!

(Frank leaves, forgetting to even put his shirt back on. Dr. Saunders and Good Health and Well Being Man stand in silence as Good Health and Well Being Man stares at the door with pride.)

Dr. Saunders

Well, I guess it’s time to pay you. Fifty bucks enough?

Good Health and Well Being Man!

Bah! I don’t do this for the money! I do it for the satisfaction of helping a person in need!

Dr. Saunders

Okay, then-

Good Health and Well Being Man!

Well, if you insist! Sure, 75 bucks will be just fine!

Dr. Saunders

75? I said-

Good Health and Well Being Man!

100 bucks! You are too kind doctor! But if you must, I shall accept!

(Dr. Saunders shakes his head, pulls out his wallet and pulls out a wad of 20 dollar bills. He hands it to Good Health and Well Being Man!.)

Dr. Saunders

Now, if that’s it, I-

Good Health and Well Being Man!

And that highlighter!

(Dr. Saunders, confused, looks around and sees a yellow highlighter on his desk.)

Dr. Saunders

That highlighter? You want…that highlighter?

Good Health and Well Being Man!

Indeed!

(Dr. Saunders picks up the highlighter and hands it to Good Health and Well Being Man!, who sticks it inside the back of his tights.)

Good Health and Well Being Man!

But, as I said, it’s all about the satisfaction I get from doing a good job!

Dr. Saunders

Whatever. Why the fuck are you still in character anyway, the guy-

Good Health and Well Being Man!

Farewell, my friend! Good Health and Well Being Man, away!

(Good Health and Well Being Man runs out the door, leaving Dr. Saunders alone. The sketch ends with Dr. Saunders, shaking his head, pulling out a flask from his back pocket and taking a long swig.)

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Posted by on September 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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