So everyone is talking about Miley Cyrus’s performance at the MTV’s Who Gives A Shit Awards (or whatever it’s called) and I have to admit, I was a little late to the party (in the USA HAHAHAHA). I only recently decided to check out the video as I haven’t heard a video attract this much negative attention since Battlefield Earth came out on VHS.
I reasoned with myself, “It can’t be that bad” and gave it a viewing.
And I was right. It isn’t that bad. It’s worse. It’s so much worse than I ever expected. It is the prostate cancer of award show performances. The video of drunk David Hasslehoff eating a cheeseburger is embarrassed to be on the same Internet as this. It makes you question humanity’s place in the universe as someone who was as cute and innocent as this:
Turned into this:
It is a change as jarring and disturbing as an adorable little caterpillar entering its cocoon and coming out as Steve Buscemi. Clearly, something short circuited inside Miley Cyrus’s brain as going from a lovable pop star to a wildly gyrating succubus isn’t a natural progression for teenagers heading into young adulthood. Whether its the constant, suffocating pressure of being a young celebrity or waking up every day knowing that your father is responsible for Achy Breaky Heart, something has caused Miley Cyrus to snap.
I will attempt to do the impossible and provide a detailed walkthrough of this video, doing my best to try and figure out just what the hell is going on. I will write this in an enclosed room with no sharp objects so that I don’t attempt to gouge my eyes out or slit my wrists. For our collective sanity, I will break the video up into chunks and analyze it part by part so it’s easier to digest. Which, in this case, is like eating three Taco Bell burritos to aid the digestion of a White Castle Crave Case, but whatever.
Here is the link to the video so you can follow along with the madness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4BK9cglvQ4
Ok, so let’s start this because the quicker I get it over with the better…
Part I: The Giant Robocop Bear Gives Birth
So we start with this giant teddy bear with a Robocop visor. Nothing unusual about that. Then the bear’s stomach drops down, revealing a ramp. Totally saw that coming. And then Miley Cyrus pops out. Now shit is weird.
She lifts her leg like a dog taking a piss at a fire hydrant and sticks her tongue out like she is god damned Venom. Her hairstyle looks like something a Fallout 3 character would be sporting and the outfit she is wearing makes her look like a sex slave for someone with teddy bear fetish. I would say she then saunters down the steps, but I don’t want to insult the word ‘saunters.’ She is still wagging her tongue and it looks like she starts to brush some invisible hair on the side of her head as if her subconscious longs for a hairstyle that isn’t retarded.
After her little strut down the stairs, she heads on over to the front of the stage and is surrounded by midget sized teddy bears. That’s a sentence I never thought I would write in my lifetime, but there it is. Miley begins to…I guess that’s dancing? I dunno, it’s either dancing or someone threw a voodoo doll of Miley Cyrus into a dryer. As Miley ‘dances’, the bears move around stiffly, looking kind of like Randy from a A Christmas Story when he has all his winter clothes on. Gigantic Amazon women with teddy bears strapped to their backs join the fray, and the whole thing starts to look like something out of Jerry Sandusky’s mind. And then, God help us, Miley begins to sing.
Part II: Your Eyes And Ears Hate You Forever
Now, I’m not going to insult Miley as a singer as a whole. I’ve done too many perfectly choreographed dances to “Party in the U.S.A.” to say that. But here, as she launches into “We Can’t Stop”, Miley is just…not…good. Something just doesn’t translate with singing the song live. Her voice is as easy on the ears as the screeching of a dead house cat’s ghost being raped.
As she mills about the stage, her voice sounding like your drunk aunt doing karaoke at the local bar, Miley sings into and smacks the ass of a backup dancer. I would find this weird, but at this point I’m convinced that’s simply how Miley Cyrus says hello.
The real treat about this part of the video is the quick cuts we get to the crowd reaction. Watch as everyone nervously bobs around with the music. They all have an uneasy look, as if Neo Nazis are forcing them to watch Holocaust documentaries at gunpoint. Clearly, they have no a shitting clue what is happening before them and when that sort of incredulous attitude occurs during the VMAs, of all things, you know this is something special.
She walks along a runway down to a separate little stage, guarded by an escort of her Ewok carrying back up dancers. She gets to the stage and she tears off her nice little bear shirt and reveals a super skimpy two piece outfit. It’s a real shame, because this new outfit just makes her look kind of slutty.
It seems as if the performance hit a new low when Robin Thicke arrives to tell you, no, there’s plenty of new lows this performance can reach.
Part III: Robin Thicke Arrives For A Paycheck
If you were watching this video and thought, “You know what this needs? Robin Thicke,” then, congratulations! You literally don’t exist!
Whether or not you were hoping for the arrival of Mr. Thicke, he suddenly appears from backstage and lazily heads towards the stage Miley is dancing/having a seizure on. “Everybody get up,” he says with the enthusiasm of a heroin addict drugged out on a bull tranquilizer.
First off, nice outfit, Robin Thicke. Did you have to mug Beetlejuice for it? Second, it’s clear that Mr. Thicke doesn’t want anything to do with this performance, and the only reason he’s going to go through the motions of it is to get a paycheck and…yeah, that’s about it. Money.
The camera cuts back to Miley and she somehow has a foam finger now. How was she carrying that? Is she Resident Evil character who was holding that in her inventory?
Of course, the real question isn’t how she got it but why does she have it? It quickly becomes clear that this is one of those questions that the world would be perfectly happy without not knowing the answer to. She starts innocently enough, rubbing it all over herself. I mean, that’s what they’re supposed to be used for, right? But then she starts to get very…uh, intimate with it and then heads on over to involve Mr. Thicke in her little foam finger sex party. She slides it along his body as he stands completely still, like he is a wax figurine wheeled out from the Robin Thicke’s Greatest Regrets Wax Museum. I don’t know how she disposed of that foam finger after the performance, but if it didn’t involve burning it with gasoline blessed by a priest than that makes me very uneasy.
The two of them continue their duet of Blurred Lines. Thicke walks around with one hand in his pocket, carrying a leisurely air you would expect to see from your uncle while playing a game of bocce ball at a picnic. He stops and stands in position behind Miley as she begins to “twerk” (that’s what the kids, call it, right?).
Now this is obviously the most infamous part of the video as it’s the part you’ve all been talking about for the past few weeks. It’s during this part that I suddenly realize why Mr. Thicke is wearing sunglasses. I thought that it was just part of his look, but now I realize it’s so he doesn’t reveal to the world the intense fear he is in. Underneath those dark lenses, I guarantee his eyes are as wide and dead as a man who just saw his family carried off by a pack of hyenas. Miley Cyrus has done the impossible. She has taken the smarmy Robin Thicke, artist of the hit song Blurred Lines and husband to Paula Patton, and turned him into a sympathetic victim. Now that takes talent.
The twerking quickly evolves (or devolves?) into Miley using that foam finger as a pretend dong and then sucking her face towards Robin Thicke’s neck. When she did this, I legitimately thought Miley would pull away with strips of Thicke’s flesh in her mouth as blood gushes out of his neck. But when she does finally rip herself away from Thicke, there is no blood or guts, only a distinct feeling of remorse and guilt in the viewer’s gut. The song ends and everyone races to the nearest shower.
Part IV: I Stop Watching
No, seriously, I stopped at this point. But that’s okay, Miley takes a bit of a supporting role for the rest of the performance which is something I have never been more okay with.
I understand the reason behind this performance was for publicity and to create a stir on social media. And I realize by writing this blog post, I am perpetrating that. But still, this video cannot not be talked about. I just had to share my feelings on this crime against humanity, and also perhaps raise awareness of the plight Robin Thicke is most likely experiencing. We practically saw the poor guy get molested on TV and I can’t imagine the pain and sleepless nights he’s battling through, so maybe-
On second thought, fuck Robin Thicke. He’s doing just fine.