Despite having 12 years and 77 million dollars on his contract with the New Jersey Devils, Ilya Kovalchuk has decided to retire so that he could spend his time in the frozen, barren wasteland of Russia instead of New Jersey. “I’m so excited to see the bleak landscape of snow and ice as opposed to guidos and industrial waste,” an elated Kovalchuk explained to reporters. Kovalchuk was positively glowing as he tried to decide what he was going to do first upon his return to Russia, saying he is either going to visit the “old neighborhood salt mine” or spend some time “eating raw potatoes at gunpoint.” “I spent 3 years in New Jersey,” Kovalchuk continued, “and quite frankly, that’s all I need. Nothing makes you miss the homey feel of the Kremlin and Prypiat like a few years in Jersey.” Kovalchuk says he is leaving the team on good terms and has in fact been asked by several teammates if they could go with him.
Ilya Kovalchuk Chooses Frozen, Barren Wasteland Over New Jersey