This offseason, no team in the NFL has taken a chance on signing 39 year old wide receiver Terrell Owens, who is adamant he still has what it takes to be a distraction somewhere. “All these teams are saying I’m too old, that I don’t have what it takes to be a self centered asshole for an entire NFL season,” said Owens, “but I know for a fact I can still go out there and completely disrupt their tempo and chemistry for 16 full games. I have no interest in retiring when I still have this much ego left in me.” Owens said he tries to keep his skills of being a dickhead in tact during the offseason, by butting in line at supermarkets and by picking girls up at the bar and refusing to ever call them back. “It’s tough,” he admits, “you need to keep your fundamentals polished at all times, because you never know when a team will call. I’m looking forward to get a second chance at tearing apart a perfectly good locker room.” At press time, the only the team who has expressed interest in giving Owens a shot at being a selfish cockhole is the New York Jets.